You’ve probably read about the self-dubbed “meanest mom on the planet.”

Upon finding alcohol in the new car of her teenaged son, an Iowa mother placed an ad in the newspaper – and sold the car.

“ ... Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car,” the ad read in part. “Only driven for 3 weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat... Call meanest mom on the planet.''

Meanest mom or caring mom?

Statistics gathered by Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) show that underage alcohol use is more likely to kill young people than all illegal drugs combined. The Department of Transportation cites traffic crashes as the No.1 killer of teens.  Over all, over one-third of teen traffic deaths are alcohol-related.

Although underage drinking rates have stayed about the same for the past decade, the numbers are still startling. “Statistics show 1 in 5 eighth graders reports drinking in the past month, 17 percent of eighth graders say they have gotten drunk at least once in the last year, and about 2 out of 5 college students report heavy drinking in the past two weeks,” says Scott Walters, PhD, assistant professor of health promotion and behavioral sciences at The University of Texas School of Public Health, Dallas Regional Campus.

Surprisingly, most young people aren’t drinking because they like being intoxicated. “Early on, most kids aren’t drinking for the alcohol, they are drinking because it is something that they think young people do,” Walters says. “The alcohol is around, and it looks like everybody else is doing it, so, to them, it seems like the normal practice,” he explains. So normal, that by the end of high school, almost 73 percent of students have consumed alcohol, according to MADD.

How can you tell if your child is drinking? The most obvious signs are... obvious:  speaking with an unintelligible slur, reeking of alcohol, stumbling, falling or throwing up after a night out with friends.

Subtle signs of underage drinking are trickier: mood changes, problems at school, changes in peer groups, sneaky behavior or unwillingness to talk about where they’re going or what they’ve been doing. Then again, those are the signs of being a non-drinking adolescent. “A lot of those behaviors are normal for kids, anyway,” Walters says. “Maybe it’s alcohol or maybe it’s something else.”

That’s why talking with adolescents is so important.

What to say

Like the “sex talk,” talking to your child about drinking can be touchy. However, it’s one of those parenting must-dos and ideally should happen well before kids might begin drinking. “Good communication begins on Day One,” Walters says. “As early as possible, parents and children need to open the lines of communication to a spectrum of topics, so that when children begin to talk about drinking, it’s just a comfortable extension of conversations they’re accustomed to having.”

• Avoid conversational openers such as “Have you ever had alcohol?” or “You’d better hope we never catch you drinking.” All you’ll get is instant shut- down. Instead, Walters suggests a broad question: “What do you know about alcohol?”  From there, be prepared to provide basic information about alcohol use. Let children know that alcohol is a substance that has many laws attached to its consumption.  Alcohol use is an adult decision and is against the law for persons under 21. Explain that though alcohol in moderation is acceptable in our society, it can have terrible consequences when used irresponsibly.
• Open questions (“Tell me about...”) are generally better than closed questions – those that can only be answered with a “yes” or “no.”
• Use this conversation to establish the rules in your home. “You should set boundaries about what is and is not permissible and what the penalties will be if the rules aren’t followed,” Walters says. Then, be prepared to stick to your own rules and play “meanest parents on the planet.”
• Keep your reactions to what your children share with you in check. If you’ve billed this conversation as a neutral, “open” discussion, don’t go back on your word. If your child says something you don’t like (“I was tempted to drink at a party last week”) keep your cool. Your children will want to trust that they can share their lives with you.  “It’s not only what you say, but how you say it,” Walters explains.

What to do

Contrary to what your parental fears may conjure up, the majority of adolescents do not possess a fake ID, nor are they camped out in front of convenience stores hoping to convince a friendly grown-up to buy them liquor. That’s the good news. The bad news is that usually, they’re getting it from two sources: from home or from friends (who likely get it from their homes).

In one survey of drinkers ages 10 to 18, 65 percent said they got alcohol from family members or friends (either by taking it without permission or having it provided to them.)

• Keep an eye on your liquor cabinet. If that means locking it up or taking it from the home, do so.
• Pay attention to your own drinking habits. “We know that parents who have drinking problems often have kids with drinking problems,” Walters says.
• Be aware of your children’s friends and activities. Don’t be afraid to query them about their plans.
• Connect with other parents.
• Establish relationships with their teachers.

Drinking responsibly with parents?

If we parents had a nickel for every time a child retorted, “But, in Europe, children drink wine with dinner every night!” What about allowing underage children to drink as long as it’s in your presence? Walters says that parents must make their own decisions about whether or not they wish to introduce their children to alcohol. Never, however, is it appropriate to serve alcohol to your children’s friends. “In some states, it is legal for parents to serve alcohol to their kids, but in no state is it legal for parents to serve alcohol to other people’s kids,” Walters  warns.

Start talking with your children early and keep talking through the difficult years, when peer pressure is its most powerful. Confront them if you think they’ve been drinking.  If you’re right, stick to your rules. The worst that will happen is that they’ll be angry, but they’ll know your boundaries. If you’re wrong, the worst that will happen is that they’ll be angry, but will be reminded of your boundaries.

And, though you may be dubbed the meanest mom or dad on the planet when your children are young, you can bet that they’ll parrot your words when they become parents themselves.

Last Updated: 3-19-2008

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