STORY BYMost people have an innate need to bond with another person. We call it love, commitment, passion, soul-mated. We develop rituals from the time we're kids to bind ourselves to our love interests. We give friendship trinkets, carve initials in trees, make valentines, exchange vows and rings.
This way, we know, it will last forever.
Love is that oh so powerful "mental experience that a person can feel with someone who is in the same room or halfway around the world," says psychiatrist Rahn K. Bailey, clinical assistant professor at The University of Texas Medical School at Houston.
Equally powerful a mental experience is the loss of that love. We call it dumped, jilted, left, abandoned, rejected.broken-up and broken-hearted.
Cupid has an arrow for a reason: Love hurts.
"Individuals who have a heightened degree of passion give themselves to the other person not only physically but emotionally, and that makes them feel very vulnerable," Bailey says. "When that vulnerability is taken advantage of or disrespected, the wronged person will react overtly."
And the more vulnerable we feel, often, the more aggressively we'll strike out.
Whether it is loss of life, limb or love, the five stages of grief are about the same.
Shock and denial are the first emotional stages a wounded person goes through. "There is disbelief that the person you love could do this to you," Bailey says. During this time anxiety can cause physical or emotional symptoms of loss of appetite, obsessive eating, exhaustion, sleeplessness and nightmares.
This phase might prompt a family member or friend to encourage the wounded to get help from a professional. "A person needs help when there is functional impairment," he says, such as:
Help comes in many ways: one-on-one therapy, group therapy and/or medication therapy.
Anger usually surfaces after the shock and fear wear off. Anger isn't a bad thing, but the intensity and the manner in which it is displayed can be range from productive to lethal.
On the worrisome end is an outward expression of hostility, rage or explosive behavior or an inward expression of depression, self-blame or self-destructive ideation.
The shock of rejection combined with a strong, intimate emotional attachment can result in a more violent reaction by the person wronged, "as could have been the case of Clara Harris, who drove over and killed her husband after seeing him with his girlfriend," Bailey says.
This type of outburst, though uncommon, could be possible "if a person has a history of being emotionally volatile," Bailey explains. Their responses to situations are grossly out of proportion.
Depression, another stage, can include feelings of helplessness, withdrawal and loss of pleasure. Crying, an overwhelming sadness and wondering how things could ever go on normally or change for the better may be parts of the experience.
There are times that the senses, especially smell, call up memories of the relationship, and the individual feels the pain of the breakup again. It could be the scent from a candle or cologne. Smell is the strongest memory-provoker, research indicates because the receptors for these sensors go directly into the brain through the hippocampus. This area is associated with emotions and feelings such as fear and anger, as well as sexual arousal.
The anxiety stage includes a preoccupation with physical symptoms and school/work avoidance. This is particularly problematic for teenagers and young adults. They could definitely benefit from someone to talk to at this time.
"We do see more suicide attempts among young people, especially women," comments Bailey. "Age plays a significant role. Younger persons have not been with each other long enough to know how to deal with a stressful situation. People really do need time to learn how to react in negative circumstances.
"The 22-year-old will give an immediate response to an action against them, whereas the older person knows it can happen and has probably given some thought to what they would do or say in such a circumstance."
The last stage is acceptance. Here, the broken-hearted move positively toward the future, realizing that life really does go on.
"In psychiatry, we expect that each person will go through a variety of these stages and that six months is a healthy length of time to get through the worst parts. Our job is to eliminate the very high emotional peaks and very low emotional valleys," Bailey says.
How we cope with a break-up has a decided chemical component. Why not? "Chemistry"—that chemical attraction is what got you into this relationship in the beginning of a romance, according to current research.
Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) data are being collected on the brains of college students in the throes of early love while the study subject gazes at a photograph of his or her significant other.
What the scientists are finding is that the neural mechanisms of romantic attraction are different from those of sexual attraction and arousal. When the couples are first captivated with each other, their brains show signs of surging dopamine: increased energy; less need for sleep or food. As science studies the brain in love, it is looking at the biological drive to choose a mate and focus on one special person.
"When a patient has clinical symptoms due to emotional pain, it means there are decreased levels of norepinephrine or serotonin," explains Bailey, "and that person is more likely to have clinical depression." A crippling break-up may warrant anti-depressant neurotransmitter regulators, known as SSRIs.
Just know, that if you've walked this earth long enough to have your first heart break, there are resources out there to help you mend.
UPDATED: 2-09-2004
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