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40 Ways to Unbreak a Broken Heart STORY BY

Karen Krakower

If one more person tells you:

  1. Just get over it
  2. Someone better will come along.
  3. She/He wasn't good enough for you, anyway
  4. You think yours was bad, you don't know from bad, why I was.

And the Number One nose dive into a vat of Häagen-Dazs and self-pity:

"We tried to tell you, but would you listen? Of course not...what do we know?"

Sometimes, you have to go to the experts-those who have been there, survived, and have thrived.

So HealthLeader queried real, live human beings-from poets to plumbers; from surgeons to CPAs.

Hold on: help is on its way.

"Smile, though your heart is breaking."

(Yeah, right.)

  1. When my heart is broken, I give myself permission to really, really cry. Not just a sniffle or a brave cry-(that's crying when you're really trying not to cry.) I mean a belly-gut-wrenching sob. Then, when it is over, and only until then, can I go on.
  2. First, you have to mourn the loss. Not necessarily sob, wail, rend your garments, but do so, if it works for you.
  3. The important thing is not to cover up the loss with a happy, glossy veneer, as if it never happened. You are only suspending the pain. Take time to wallow in your loss-a part of your life has changed forever.

Practical Magic:

(Ditch 'Sleepless in Seattle ' - Just for Now.")

  1. Detoxify your environment. Throw out pictures of you sweetie-turned-sour. Burn the letters. Delete the emails.
  2. Don't listen to opera, pop music or, for heaven's sake, country and western, which is nothing but 'bad love and heartbreak.' Instead, develop an ear for cerebral jazz, New Age,—anything without lyrics!
  3. Avoid tear-jerker movies while you're in a fragile state. Nix "The English Patient", "The Way We Were" or anything with Meg Ryan. (If you're female, she's too adorable and you don't feel adorable. If you're male, she's only going to remind you of "her" even if "her" was short, brunette and Australian.)
  4. Since you're going to obsess about your lost love, do what my [cancer] patients do: set aside, say, 10 minutes an hour to cry, worry, panic and mourn. Then, finish out the hour living your life. If your mind wanders back to the heartbreak, tell yourself you can grieve all you want.in 42 more minutes. This way, your children get hugged and your bills get paid, even when all you want to do is give up.
  5. Write The Letter. Tell him/her everything you wished you could say, if you hadn't been so shell-shocked. Let it sit for 48 hours before you re-read it. Notice that the things that hurt you might have changed. Rewrite it. Wait two more days. You'll know by then if this should have a stamp on it, or a fire underneath it. The letter, after all is for YOU, not them.
  6. Dive into non-fiction books and mystery-thriller movies.
  7. Go to IMAX: the sheer majesty of it will take your breath and mind away for a full 40 minutes.
  8. Go someplace-another city-that you've never been before. Change the scenery.
  9. Plant something. Get your hands dirty. Very little in life happens differently than what happens in your garden.

Cry in Your Beer? NO

 

  1. If you have a propensity toward self-destructive habits, note it now and surround yourself with non-gorgers, non-imbibers, non-smokers.
  2. Why is that when we are under the most physical and emotional stress, we are the most self-destructive?
  3. There is no drink, food or drug that will wipe away heartbreak. When you wake up, it's still there-only now, you have a headache, a stomach ache and another "if only" to deal with.
  4. I have found in my research that the heart thrives on lots of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that carries love and pleasure. Dopamine is so addictive that street drugs depend on cocaine and heroin to deliver it. So the best remedy for a broken heart is plenty of hugs and natural beauty, [which ] the heart needs, broken or otherwise.

Instead: Become the person you would like to fall in love with

 

  1. Take the yoga class he laughed at; go to the Astros Games that she slept through; buy the soy cookbook that he gagged on.
  2. Ask yourself the cliché question, 'What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?' Then, imagine who you might meet there.
  3. Give back. Lighten someone else's load. Volunteer. Read for the blind. Listen to someone else in pain for a change, even if you have to force yourself. Yours is no less painful, but plenty folk have been listening to you. When was the last time you asked someone else how they were doing, and really listened?

Get Right Back on the Horse? Not Yet

 

  1. I've often heard that the best way to get over one love is to find another. This advice can only get you into trouble. You're just transferring the baggage from one place to another. All you're doing is changing the geography.
  2. Rebound relationships may be a bridge over troubled water, but they usually take you right back to the same place you just left.
  3. Jumping into another relationship serves only one purpose: to fill up the space, the silence, and what you think is a missing piece in yourself.

Instead: Fall in Love With Yourself, For a Change  

 

  1. Remember who you were before the disastrous relationship. You were just fine five minutes before you met them. You are still that person.
  2. If you love yourself, have enough self-respect not to be with someone who loves you less than you do.
  3. Nobody can take from you that which you do not give them permission to have. You are still YOU.
  4. Remember that you can't make someone love you, nor are you defined by his/her lack of love. Contrary to what you thought, you always were a separate person of your own immeasurable worth. And you will continue to be so long after it is over. You will continue to be so in your next relationship.

Reality Check-Brace Yourself

 

  1. Rarely, have I been in a situation that truly did not involve two of us-at fault, or worse, no fault. As much as I'd love to blame him for everything including world hunger, I usually can't, for very long. Be willing to take the brave step toward self-discovery.
  2. Take responsibility for your part. Generally I think what drags down so many of my patients is that they aren't willing to participate consciously in the break-up. It isn't about taking the blame. It's about owning your part in it. Own it, then note it, then move on.
  3. The thing I learned was to recognize 'him' the next time I saw 'him' again-and run for the hills.
  4. If you find yourself saying, 'why does this always happen to me?' ask yourself why you are constantly attracted to that kind of person? Be willing to ask yourself what part of you needs to be hurt, abused, and abandoned by the same personality type.

Picture this...

 

  1. Ultimately, I believe your goal is to forgive the person, or at least surrender the pain. Picture an Alka-Seltzer going up in bubbles and imagine that is your grudge. When it's gone, you're left with only fizz.
  2. Letting go-picture a kite high above you, dragging you half way across a beach, and then-take out a pair of golden scissors and cut it loose! See it disappear into the stratosphere. The kite can represent the person or simply the pain. It is the drag on your heart, either way.
  3. Reframe the picture-old trick, new thought system. Put a different frame around the 'photo' of the one who left you, and then, around yourself. Try to see the situation without a frame at all. No blame. No value judgment. Just a picture without all the emotional adornment. You might not be mourning as much as you thought: maybe you're mourning an idea-just a snapshot-of love.

"Ex" Marks This Spot

  1. The best help through my divorce came directly from my ex. It was a note he left me the day of the divorce-not an apology or even something half-heartfelt. It simply said that there were meats and cheeses in the refrigerator that needed to be eaten and that I could help myself. For four months I kept that note on the refrigerator to remind that, like meats and cheeses, our relationship was well beyond its expiration date.

Faith, Family, Friends and Freud

 

  1. Surround yourself with family and friends. Work out, go see that once-in-a-lifetime rock concert, but invite someone you can trust with your fragile mental state to join you.
  2. Turn to your friends. Don't go it alone.
  3. Find a good therapist or grief counselor. After your friends and family have heard it over and over, you need a fresh and objective ear.
  4. It was a real risk on my part to be the one in need. I didn't know how many people were willing to be there when it was finally my turn.
  5. Pray. To God, to ancestors, to trees. They all answer.

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UPDATED: 2-09-2004