STORY BYNancy Stubbs loves to host a house full of friends and family at her Colorado home. The multi-tasking, highly successful consulting firm owner crams a full work day into her hostess schedule, “and then at night we just eat, visit and talk,” she says with a gaping smile. Nancy’s exuberance springs from those precious few who never cancel lunch with friends, or reschedule plans, no matter how close their Palm Pilots are to catching fire.
According to a recent New York Times article, the Nancys of the world are verging on extinction.
The Times article (June 18, 2006) describes the new phenomenon of relief that the rest of us over-committed Americans feel when a lunch, movie, dinner date is cancelled, even if it is—especially if it is—with a good friend. “You send out a message saying, ‘I have to cancel,’ and you usually get a reply back that says, ‘Thank God,’” said Steve Alexander, 33, an executive with a data analysis company in Washington. Mr. Alexander said his calendar of work-related social engagements is usually booked through the week by Monday, leading to the inevitable cancellation of social plans with buddies. “Sometimes we have to put it on the calendar that we will commit not to cancel.”
Deleting/erasing/canceling the “want-to…but” activities appears to be shredding the American social fabric. In a recent study conducted by Duke University and the University of Arizona, the General Social Survey, comparing statistics from 1985 and 2004, found that the circle of close friends and family are shrinking for many Americans, and nearly a quarter of those responding to the survey say there is no one to whom they can confide.
The average number of confidants has declined by nearly a third, from almost three to barely two for each person. The percentage of people who say they only talk to family members about important matters has risen from 57 to nearly 80 percent. (Score one for the family.)
One result of this shrinking social circle is that more than four times as many Americans describe themselves as lonely now than did in 1957. In Bowling Alone, Robert Putnam documents the steep decline in all kinds of social connections: we’re less likely to belong to clubs and community organizations, less likely to have friends over for dinner, and less likely to visit our neighbors. Our social contacts are slight compared to those of earlier generations.
Yet, ironically, we have more connections than ever before. In January 2006, the Pew Internet Study and American Life Project found that people surveyed have a median number of 15 “core ties.” These are people “with whom the respondents said they had discussed important matters, with whom they were in frequent touch or from whom they got substantial help.”
Note that nothing in this definition has to do with emotional confiding, yet plenty of personal information is being shared—intensely personal information. It’s just not happening over lunch and not in the presence of breathing humans. It’s happening online.
Twelve million bloggers, mostly young, use cyberspace to talk about their personal lives. When asked by the same Pew internet study why they blogged, 52 percent said they did so to express themselves creatively and 50 percent said it was to document and share personal experiences. Commented Chris Anderson, the editor-in-chief of Wired, a magazine about technology and culture, “the finding that jumped out at me was the recognition that people are talking about the subjects that matter in their personal lives.”
Social networking sites such as myspace.com, friendster.com and facebook.com are whole communities of intimate strangers. As of January 2006, 47.3 million people had visited myspace.com. and some resources estimate 160,000 new users each day. And, when it comes to falling in love, the internet has changed the dating landscape forever. The Pew Internet study found that three out of four internet users looking for relationships have used some form of online dating-related activities, ranging from online dating services to email and instant messaging for the purposes of finding romantic connection.
If we’re looking for best friends and lifelong partners online, we must be confiding some fairly personal stuff. (And, we’re probably canceling lunch to do it.) But does online disclosure bring us closer?
Intimacy is based on the experience of being known and accepted as we truly are. Without actually being with another person, seeing and being seen, “flesh-to-flesh,” true intimacy is by nature limited. It takes time to absorb another person’s sharing of soul, time we may be reluctant to give. Blogging and Blackberrying insure there is no lack of opportunity for self-disclosure, but there is no empathetic sigh, commiserating smile, or tender touch in response to our opening up. A reply may come back as an email, as a posting on our Web site, but electronic words can never comfort or commune in the same way as a physical presence.
Jean M. Twenge, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at San Diego State University and author of Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled—and More Miserable Than Ever Before, uses this analogy: “We’re malnourished from eating a junk-food diet of instant messages, email, and phone calls, rather than the healthy food of live, in-person interaction.”
It’s not always easy being with other people. The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre wrote “Hell is others.” But people are also our salvation. When researchers at the University of Sheffield asked British adults what, if anything, had emotionally strained them the day before, their most frequent answer was “family.” The same group, when asked what prompted yesterday’s times of pleasure, by an even larger margin, answered “family.”
Massive studies over the past 25 years have all reached a common conclusion: close relationships do indeed promote health. Compared to those with few social ties, those who have close relationships with friends, kin, or fellow members of close-knit religious or community organizations are less likely to die prematurely. And losing such ties heightens our risk of disease.
Even if it were not for the sense of emotional support that comes from connectedness, having close friends and family means there will be people to help out in times of crises, with simple but life-sustaining acts like bringing food or volunteering to drive to a doctor’s appointment. Online friends cannot hold a straw to your mouth when you are too weak to lift your head. Because of the time spent on work, hyper-scheduling, and cyber-connecting, political scientist Robert Lane argues that “There is a kind of famine of warm interpersonal relations, of easy-to-reach neighbors, of encircling, inclusive memberships, and of solid family life.”
The antidote for the rising tide of loneliness washing over America from the broken social levees doesn’t require major lifestyle overhaul but it does necessitate some reevaluation of how one is choosing to connect to others. It might take a few more seconds or even extra minutes to call a friend instead of pressing “send”. But the exchange is more likely to be emotionally satisfying to both. Giving oneself permission to be truly present with someone takes some unhooking from the internal sense of time urgency that so drives Americans.
There is a certain wisdom in a recent Dilbert cartoon. Says Alice to her cheerfully whistling co-worker: “How can you be so relaxed with so much work to do?” To which he answers: “Your mistake is in taking pride in how much work you can complete. You see, Alice, there’s an infinite quantity of potential work. But it’s only possible to do a finite amount. You have set yourself up for certain failure according to your own arbitrary standard.”
Letting go of some of the “to dos” to allow ourselves time just “to be” with friends and family in a meaningful way can rebuild bridges to relationships that are in danger of being washed away by daily busyness.
Turn off this monitor, make a date for lunch—and keep it.
UPDATED: 8-23-2006
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Dr. Blair Justice is professor emeritus of psychology at UT School of Public Health and the author of several books. His wife, Dr. Rita Justice is a psychologist in private practice in Houston.
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Dietary fiber is versatile and talented. It assists in discouraging a long list of woes: constipation, hemorrhoids, heart disease, diabetes, bad cholesterol and certain cancers.
Foods such as apples, berries, oranges, beans, broccoli, bran, multigrain breads and cereals should be added slowly into your diet, followed by an increase in fluid intake. Eventually you want to work up to 4 ½ cups of high fiber foods a day.
Otherwise, you might find yourself feeling more bloated, gassy or experiencing stomach cramps.So, add one high-fiber food at a time about a week apart. Increase your water intake (which includes unsweetened teas, diet sodas, juice) to eight glasses a day to help the fiber move through your system.
