STORY BY

Josh Gowin

 

E-Disharmony,

Part One:
On why we hurt ourselves and others

 

When Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator and former presidential candidate John McCain, posted a racy photo of herself on her Twitter account one evening last October, she was not prepared for the resulting deluge of criticism and hate-mail she would receive. Within hours, threats and insults poured in, and McCain wrote "I can't even tell you how hurt I am...what once was fun [Twitter] now just seems like a vessel for harassment."

Subsequent negative "herd mentality" has played out in far darker consequences. The highly reported stories of vicious cyber bullying resulting in two teen suicides have shown the power of the electronic collective consciousness to harm beyond imagination, beyond geographic boundaries.

While online media such as Facebook and Twitter are mostly used for friendly, supportive and functional communication, they undeniably provide the opportunity for an angry ex or employee to devastate a reputation in 140 characters. While the posting of derogatory comments to a blog or sending hateful emails is only one click away, we may adopt the adage "sticks and stones may break my bones but a Tweet can really burn me."

People in the public eye are typically subject to a greater share of criticism than the average person, but Meghan McCain seemed to receive not only swift but excessive castigation through Twitter.

The explanation may lie in the medium. Since the inception of the Internet, a striking and consistent trait of cyber-communication has been extreme hostility. A look through the comments on a popular YouTube video is telling: when you bare your talents on the Web, prepare for a black streak of harsh words to accompany the praise you receive.

Although most of us maintain cordiality regardless of the mode of communication, why do some people turn ugly behind the keypad of their BlackBerrys? A term often used to describe this behavior is "flaming," which means to send electronic messages that are insulting, embarrassing, hostile or threatening.

Web-psychology

The immediacy of email and texting probably accounts for part of the problem. Usually, the longer it takes between thought and action, the more likely aggression is to be toned down or not occur at all, explains Scott Lane, PhD, associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at The University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston(UTHealth) Medical School.

E-communiqués possess a number of features which alter discretion—of how to interact politely. Not only are you invisible, but so is the person to whom your comments are directed.

In the wake of the atrocities committed by the Nazis in World War II, a famous 1960s study by Stanley Milgram attempted to understand obedience to authority. With startling results, Milgram found that people under orders were more likely to punish someone they could not see rather than someone sitting in front of them.

Termed 'dehumanization,' the facelessness of the Internet facilitates flaming. In a troubling trend among adolescents, some middle-schoolers create pseudo-profiles online to threaten or bully their peers anonymously. With less risk of being caught, bullies may take their antics to extremes. In one startling instance in Missouri, a mother posed as a peer using a fake Myspace profile and taunted a neighboring 13-year-old girl to the point that the teen committed suicide.

Flaming is nothing new. Since the first net-users were buzzing away at their computers, incidents of 'Web rage' have been seeping into communication. When speaking to someone in front of you, subtle social cues are observed which modulate the tone you take and what you choose to say. A blush signals embarrassment and turning the head downward is a sign of submissiveness; these evolved social mechanisms inform an interlocutor that they've gone far enough. In the absence of such 'human' cues, it becomes easier to be rude.

Once a misunderstanding occurs, aggression tends to breed more aggression. Lane clarifies that some people tend to reply to provocation excessively and with less emotional control, and this can cause conflicts to escalate. For example, the comments section at the end of a political blog often decays into caustic discourse and personal attacks.

Behind every email is a person

Sam Hester, coordinator of WorkLife Services for the UTHealth Employee Assistance program, shares several approaches for dealing with a flamer or to help would-be flamers cool off before typing something they’ll soon regret. If someone expresses disproportionate hostility through an email, he suggests separating the person from the problem and focusing on the problem.

When you receive a hurtful message, "call the person back to clarify their intent," Hester encourages, "and if they intended the message as you read it, ask to sit and talk."

Of course, if the menace is severe or violent, it's best to report it to your supervisor or the police rather than put yourself in danger. This should be a cautionary note to anyone inclined to intimidate online. As Hester puts it, "Before you send idle threats, think about how you will feel if it ends up on the front page of your daily newspaper."

According to Hester, there are three ways we deal with anger: express it, suppress it, or calm down. Calming down allows you to relax, and suppression clears your head for a while, but expressing impulsive or reactive anger tends to lead to tension, and that's where you have to be careful.

Sender, beware

Okay, so you're angry and you've typed a barbed text message that will surely make the recipient wince and regret whatever they've done to get under your skin. You've addressed it, and your finger prepares to punch the send button. One... two... WAIT just a minute.

In a recent study from the University of Iowa, research suggests that negative emotional states such as anger predispose people to act on impulse and make irrational and potentially costly decisions.

Impulsive behavior often results from interplay between two regions of the brain, the orbitofrontal cortex, which is involved with planning and rational decisions, and the amygdala, which mediates emotions such as anger.

Functionally, the amygdala is the accelerator, urging us into action, whereas the orbitofrontal cortex provides the brakes, explains F. Gerard Moeller, MD, professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at UTHealth Medical School. Moeller described impulsive decisions as one of two situations: "The accelerator could be mashed down all the way, or you could have a problem with your brakes."

Impulsivity could help to explain our furious fingers. If someone often feels angry or has a tendency to retaliate with fervor, they're liable to send impulsive emails. To counter this tendency, Moeller suggests that "exaggerated emotional responses need to be stabilized."

Stabilization is one way of saying, calm down. As Hester reminds us, you can't be stressed and relaxed at the same time, so he recommends patience. "Write it out if you must, but don't send it. Wait a day, and if you still need to convey your feelings, it's not too late."

This corroborates the wisdom of a famous communicator, Abraham Lincoln, who wrote many furious letters to his generals at the height of the Civil War, when small mistakes cost dearly. His generals rarely felt the ire of these letters, but it was not because Lincoln's words were magical. Lincoln never sent the letters. After he wrote the letters, he destroyed them, but he then felt more able to focus on the bigger picture, helping him make better decisions.

The other cheek

The words may be exchanged in ethereal cyberspace, but the consequences are real: Tweets, text messages and email can be used as evidence against you. Aside from the allegations, what caught up with Tiger Woods was a string of incriminating text messages that not even a poster child for a clean image could wash away. Email may be exchanged between only two people, but privacy is not guaranteed. Once you press the "send" button, the message is recorded and it could come back to haunt you. As a society we have to learn to be cautious about what we're uploading into the bandwidth.

When that blazing email comes in or you have an urge to snap at an incompetent co-worker, an ungrateful friend, an estranged spouse, relax. Take a deep breath, go for a walk to clear your mind–but whatever you do, don't rashly send vitriolic digs that later will put you in hot water. Meghan McCain may have gotten it right in the end. She initially threatened to cancel her Twitter account after the online abuse, but she took a different course. She tweeted, "I promise not to delete my account until I sleep on it."  It seems unlikely that she regretted that decision.